Often people listening to my testimony have told me that they are not sure that there is a God, or whether they really believe. My response is always positive. I tell them that that’s perfectly OK—God wants us to search our hearts and question our beliefs.
My ministry is based on Jeremiah 29:11-13.
For I know the plans I have for you, to give you a hope and a future, not to harm you. If you search for me wholeheartedly, I shall be found by you.
God’s promises are true:
God will never forsake you or leave you once you have found him.
For many years I lived with faith that there was a God. But I did not truly know God, and there is a difference. To know God is to find a relationship with God. Yes, that means a normal, natural relationship, just as you have with a friend, spouse, or family member.
For so many years of my life, I just muddled through it, controlling my life as I saw fit. It’s what so many of us do. I had never asked God for much direction, as I tried to make things happen all by myself. In truth, I just didn’t realize how much God loved and cared for me. Not until my life started plummeting out of control. Not until my mountain of bad decisions came tumbling down. Not until I sat shattered, wondering what had gone so wrong.
Good Intentions, Bad Decisions
Throughout my life, I had good intentions, but bad decisions. I found myself with 3 children, aged 15, 10, and 3, and going through a divorce. Six months later, I sat in my mother’s book room—a room with all four walls covered floor to ceiling with bookshelves—feeling sorry for myself. I had been talking to God, asking him how I got into such a bad place. All I wanted was a family—a normal, functional family. And yes, I knew God hates divorce—it’s devastating for everyone involved. But like all mistakes, we have to learn.
I had been involved in religion most of my married life. I say religion because it was fake. It was all about rules, regulations, and appearances. I had been threatened with doom and gloom. I was told I would never be forgiven for a divorce, that I would go straight to Hell.
But God does not want us to live in abuse, and emotional abuse is often worse than physical abuse. In that sense, my divorce was not a mistake at all. To the contrary, it was a blessing to escape an abusive situation. So, I struggled, my heart and my mind conflicting within me.
How Did I Get Here?
I had tried visiting other denominations after my divorce. I had been in bondage, with a legalistic, hellfire-and-brimstone religious view. Even my 15-year-old daughter said one morning, as I got dressed for church, “What are you doing going to church? You have no business going at all because you are the one who divorced my dad.” She told me I did not deserve to go to church.
That was a knife in my heart. And that morning, sitting there in the book room, I too wondered and struggled within my head and heart. I am sitting there talking to God, telling him I was so sorry for the failure I was to him and asking, “How did I get here?” Thirty-eight years old, 3 children, and a divorce?
My Children’s Bible
In silence, through the tears, I looked across the room. And in the middle of all those books, I saw from a long time ago, this beautiful little book, very small. And my heart jumped! It was my children’s Bible, and I had not seen or thought of this book in years.
I was so excited that I jumped up and ran across the room as if I had found a hidden treasure. And indeed it was! It was like going through the attic as an adult and finding your favorite baby doll or fire truck when you were a child. As I reached for the little Bible and pulled it out, a small piece of folded paper fell to the floor. In amazement and excitement, I bent down to pick it up, reading the words: “Love, Sonja…”
A Beautiful, Godly Woman
As I opened the note and began to read, my memories came pouring back to when I was that little girl. I was about 9 years old, and I had spent the weekend with my grandmother in Joaquin, Texas. She lived in a little red country schoolhouse she had converted into a home. The classrooms were her bedrooms, with big wrought-iron beds. I so loved those fond memories and loved my grandmother dearly.
She was a beautiful, Godly woman who always talked to me about Jesus. I remember so vividly her cooking in her little country kitchen with her Bible always opened up. I would sit and watch her as she would read and look up talking to God. All those years, I never truly knew what she had taught me. But today I can tell you she showed me a real relationship with God. So, tears were streaming down my cheeks as I read the words that so-long-ago 9-year-old girl had written.
One night in my bedroom, I had been thinking about the weekend I had just spent with my grandmother. We were in her kitchen, and I walked over to her Bible and noticed the red letters. I asked her, “What are these red letters?” And she replied, “Sonja, that is Jesus talking to you! Any time you see those red letters, that is him talking to us.”
The Letter Tucked Away
And so that night in my bedroom, I opened my children’s Bible and began to read those red letters and began to write this. Now, 38 years later, I am sitting here reading this letter. Amid everything I had been talking to God about, all my mistakes, this letter was given back to me at just the right time. As I read it, I could hear God saying, “This is who you are. I love you and I forgive you for all those mistakes.”
Here are the words I had written:
Dear God in Heaven, please be there when I need you. You are my confidence. You give me trust in myself, and though things go wrong for me, please always be near and by my side. For I know you will protect me and keep me in line. And even though I do things in haste, please forgive my mistakes. I know you’ll always be near to me to help me, and so I may and will call on you for many years of my life. Because you, my lord, give me light and hope when things are down. And I know you will always be with me as long as I believe, and I do. Thanks for being with me, Love, Sonja.
That was my “Aha!” moment. And I hope this story will encourage you and open your eyes to what God has for you. All you have to do is have a little faith. I challenge you today if you are struggling as I did so many years ago. Just ask him to show up in some small way for you. That is my prayer for each one of you reading this and struggling. God knows you in such a personal way that when he does show up you will know it! It says if we will just believe, with a mustard seed of faith, he will remove the veil from our eyes, and we will then be able to see him.
God Bless, Sonja